08 Jan Dysthymic State of Mind

We all have our demons. Who does not? But why am I talking about this?

Processed-unprocessed trauma has made itself too comfortable in my mind. Like uninvited guests, I am not a fan but I cannot ask them to leave either.

Whenever I am out, with friends, colleagues, or family, I can feel my little friend in the corner of the room somewhere. Friend…yes. Because I have realized we do not exist without each other. My dysthymia supports me. At this point, I think I do not know how to feel anything without ‘wanting’ to feel it. My initial trauma response is numbing down how I ‘feel’ and shifting gears into what ‘needs’ to be done.

This renders me a ‘strong woman.’ Emotionally high-strung and yet incapable of being emotional about many things.

You know how most complain, that women do not know what they want? Well, here is a real question. Do you know what to do when you are with a woman who knows what she wants? Apart from rushing to save her when she needs no saving, giving her unsolicited advice when she only needed a hug or sympathetic squeeze of her hand?

There is nothing wrong with not knowing what you want just yet. But vilifying women for not wanting to be rescued and vilifying them for being dependent on you?

How is that fair?

We live in a patriarchal world where we are trained to believe that women should adjust and be the primary caregivers. But this is not how it should be and it’s time we stop expecting this from the women in our lives.

My acceptance of depression saved me, from myself. My anxiety helps me stay alert. Yes, it is not an easy journey. From being bullied, harassed, and abused, I have come a long way to know that I do not deserve any of this. In my worse depressive episodes, I have thought the worse of myself, others, and the situation. It worsened all my problems. It drove me to the point where I started questioning my sanity. “This can’t be all true…it can’t be this bad…”

When I found the strength to ask myself this simple and difficult question, I sought out the help I needed. I realized, it is not ALL true. It is not THIS bad. It sure feels like that, but it’s my mind being unkind.

That is what transformed everything inside me.

I still suffer from insomnia, depression, bipolarity, and OCD. But I never shy away from accepting these. That is what takes the power away. The acceptance makes me, Me. Instead of fighting it, I have accepted this way of life.

My life has never been the same, and will never return to what it once was. But in some ways it feels more natural now. I make mistakes and deal with them. I take risks and deal with them. I sit here writing this and the only thing that I want to stress is that you should learn to accept yourself. Become your own best friend. I actively practice kindness; my mind first, followed by my heart.

There is no going back from that.

Love,
A.