19 Oct I Woke Up Like This

It has been a tough couple of months. Something that has never happened before. Relocating to a new city is never easy. Wrapping up memories of a home, saying goodbyes to people you might never see again, half promises to stay in touch, these promises with the most honest intent to do so but you know deep down you will never find the time to keep up your promise, the last visit to your favorite brunch cafe, last glimpses of places you have always wanted to visit but never could. I said my goodbyes to people who mattered the most to me in the city, met them for a few minutes because I could not see them for a longer period of time. They made me half cry, half laugh. I could not look them in the eye. I knew I was leaving behind a piece of myself in the city. The city who has an immense role in making me who I am today. I moved here for my 1st corporate job. I learnt to be independent, self sufficient, maybe..free if you will. I was earning my bread, making ends meet with all my heart. I discovered myself in the last 3 years. Three years seems like a very short while but when you look at them as about 1000 days, the magnitude of it is unreal. It is a 1000 days of doing something your way.

It is a a 1000 days of corporate slavery, complaining about the traffic, routine, friendships, a relationship, heartbreaks, a few petty fights, crashing on the bed or the floor drunk, waking up with the worst kinds of hangovers, sometimes with a heavy heart and head, sometimes in love and sometimes next to my favorite person. When I made up my mind to leave this city, the most difficult decision was to to accept it in my heart. I did, eventually. I left and I came to another place. I have tried making it my home ever since I have come here. Actually I still have huge cartons of unopened stuff from the previous home. I have stood and stared at them sometimes, sometimes with sadness, sometimes with disbelief that I actually wrapped it up. Now the most difficult thing to do for me is to unwrap it. Am I ready? Am I ready to unwrap the boxes of emotions, memories and surprises. I am not. It has been more than six months and I have not unwrapped most of my stuff. They are locked away in a spare room. It is actually another bedroom which I have not wanted to share with anyone else either.

I come home from work to an empty apartment. I open the fridge and close it multiple times, aimlessly actually. I am not hoping to find anything in there but I still do it. I have no concrete reason to. I have shortcut dinners which involve less cooking and more procrastinating, I tend to sleep later than I should and wake up later than I want to. I sleep through most of my afternoons so that there is lesser time for me to think about whether or not to be in the company of another human. I tend to clean more than I want to. I have been a fairly constructive person but of late I break or undo things just to mend them. I have tried developing new hobbies. I have too many hobbies in all honesty. I sit in the balcony thinking if this is a heartbreak that is lasting more than it should or just a phase which shall eventually pass. It must be true since everyone seems to believe it more than I do. It might be true and yet I cannot get over the feeling that this is defining me now. This is my defining phase. If I don’t get my act together now, when will I? At the same time, is not acknowledgement of the fact that this is my all time low, a sign that I am trying to find standing ground? Standing ground from where I will eventually strengthen myself ? This constant conflict of putting a label on my mental and physical well being is a tiring phenomena. How do you tell people you are okay when you don’t know how to be okay? How do you reach the ‘I’m Okay’ phase? How do you respond to “You’ll be fine! You are just overthinking!”

There is an overwhelming need to tell someone everything and at the same time the crippling fear of standing there absolutely vulnerable and naked in front of someone who will now know exactly how you are feeling. How do you combat that or get out of it?

The chances of me trusting someone who says will be there for me and finding someone who is actually there for me are really slim. How do you meet your friends who have been there for you through thick and thin but suddenly point out the ugliest truths about you? They have my best interests at heart, agreed. But how do I face truths at this point when I cannot even perform basic functions like waking up or eating on time? Is Loneliness that big of a deal? I have stayed alone before too but why does this feel lonelier than before now?

These are too many questions and I know there will be too many answers. How do I know what will help me? People wake up different every day. Today, I woke up like this.