That Shade of Blue - This Free Soul
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— That Shade of Blue

November, 2016

“I have gained weight…

I look fuller than I was last month.

I stand and look at myself in the mirror.

It’s been five minutes I have been looking at myself.

I rub my belly slowly and smile inwardly.

It’s the 5th month and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I feel so blessed to have a life growing inside me.

Everyone around me is so supportive and loving.

Is this what motherhood feels like?

Everywhere I look around, I see babies, baby clothes, baby stores.

I sit idly sometimes thinking what color should I paint the baby room?

I don’t know if it’s a girl or a boy…

Should I just get it painted purple?

I think I should. After all I am not going to have a stereotypical baby room.

I love my life right now.

My husband is the perfect man.

He is so loving and gentle with me.

Not to forget he is also very patient.

The other night he woke up at 4 am to make Tuna sandwich for me. I have always hated tuna. Not anymore.”

***

January, 2017

“I definitely look even more pregnant than I was looking last week.

I stand and look at myself in the mirror.

It’s been five minutes I have been looking at myself.

I rub my belly and my gown feels so satin against my touch.

My husband gifted me this amazing custom made gown.

It’s our maternity photo shoot today.

I am so excited!

It’s the 7th month and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I know it’s very mushy but I have twice as many feelings I used to have a few months ago!

Everyone says I am glowing.

They should see me snoring away shamelessly at 10 pm.

Not to mention the number of times I get up to pee. I have a person pushing down on my bladder.

I long for my heels but I am so scared of even staring at them for too long.

My ankles are all swollen.

My face looks the size of a pumpkin.

Aargh! My mood swings took over again!!

I better hurry before Arjun starts to get impatient. He is getting the pregnancy mood swings too these days.

I giggle instantly at the thought.

The very thought makes me nervous and calm at the same time.”

***

March, 2017

“It’s the 9th month. My due date is almost two weeks away.

I feel different. I am happy but I am so exhausted all the time.

My hormones are raging all over the people around me.

I am definitely trying to stay calm but I feel so neglected by Arjun.

Is he even looking at me? I don’t know. He seems a little too distracted these days.

Is it because I am fat now? He does know that I will go back to how I used to look a few months ago. He does right?

Anyway. I think he will be a little more relaxed after the baby arrives. It is too much pressure with the baby talk and due date approaching. I should cut him slack and be a little more understanding.

I light the candles on the table and wait for him to come home. Tonight he gets his romantic wife back.

It must have been half past twelve when I opened my eyes. I get up suddenly but I start feeling dizzy. Stupid headrush!!

Where is Arjun?! I find my phone to call him when I hear hushed voices from our room.
I tiptoed my way to the door and strain my ears to listen.

“No, she is sleeping on the chair. The candles were blown out when I came back..
Do you think she knows..? Should I tell her?? I don’t know if I can…”

My breathing stops..What is this about…?

“Darling I know! I hate hiding this from her.. I don’t want her to find out either.. With the baby coming, everybody is breathing down my neck..!!
I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t love her anymore..All I want is for us to be together..
I Love You…”

I cannot bear it.. I scream inside my head and I scream at him..
The pain..the agony.. the anger..
“Arjun.! How could you do this to me..!
How can you do this to OUR baby..!!”

Arjun is shocked . He did not see this coming.. He replies after a good few second..
“I don’t think it is my baby. It’s all yours..!”

My world starts spinning.
I think I am spiralling..
No I can’t see..I can hear muffled  voices. Voice.. I am not sure..
Everything starts to feel hazy..
I think it’s the pain..
I can’t open my eyes.

I can’t open my eyes..

***

Everything around me is silent. I physically withdraw. Every muscle in my body is aching. My eyes are tired and I am straining my ears to listen to that one scream.

I can’t hear anything..
I can’t hear anything!!
I look at the nurse and see her blank gaunt eyes.
That one look sends me shivers..In that stillness I wail.
I cry like I have never cried before.

My baby did not cry..

My baby did not cry.

***

3 Comments
  • Pragya
    Posted at 02:16h, 24 March Reply

    And I love this one too..

  • Asmita
    Posted at 03:23h, 24 March Reply

    This is all i could reply 💙 a blue heart!! Lovely it is!!

  • Arpit
    Posted at 19:56h, 21 July Reply

    Goosebumps

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