18 Jan Lost. Found. Lost.
I hope you are happy and I also hope this letter finds you well in time, because I want you to read it before it’s too late. I know, texting is your “thing” but writing letters is mine. So here goes..
When I fell in love with you, I did not know what I was signing up for. I still don’t know actually. I loved being with you. The universe knew it. You had ruled my Phone Gallery. I had pictures with you, of you, for you..
You get the gist right? I never knew what to expect from you. You were my life’s most wonderful surprise. Seeing you everyday was the one thing I absolutely looked forward to. Getting to know you was my research project. The kind of coffee you like and the kind of coffee you don’t like..(btw who hates cinnamon in coffee!!). I know you in and out. Your shoe size, your colors, your phases..Lets-buy-Chinos phase. I-need-loafers phase. I can read your mind at times. I know what you want, when you want what. I know I have been a bad influence on you. I am proud of it though (Shopping wise) but being your stylist is my favorite job. I would hate to resign.
What really surprised me is how you can be so wonderfully in need of Vitamin “ME”. Yes I know you needed me. Being needed is one thing that is a boon and bane actually..Because when you get what you need, you stop needing it. In no way am I implying that you have taken me for granted so don’t start frowning yet.
But I am leaving tonight. Where? Don’t ask me yet. You will know when I reach.
Before I go, I want you to know some things. Some things you already know but I want to say it and put it in writing. For us.
Seeing you every day is my routine. I felt empty whenever I did not see you.
Every single day spent with you has brought us closer. I always thought if only had you been mine, I would have spoilt you rotten with all the love I can possibly have for anyone. Because you see darling, you are adorable. Suddenly out of nowhere one fine day fate smiled on me and I woke up next to you, in love and confused. You were mine. I could not be possibly happier. You were happy. I was happy. That is all that mattered anyway, right? I found a “WE” and come on, who does not like a We or Us? My favorite part of the day was making breakfast for two.
It was my sheer madness how I let myself be devoured by all the things that I had been scared of all this time. I fell in love with you. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I fall first and ask later. Love is genius, it is madness and it is evil. If you have never been loved by a woman like that before, you have not been loved.
If only had I known it was fate’s twisted smirk, I would have done everything in my power to stop it. If you haven’t realized it yet, this letter is in the past tense. Loved. Had. Would Not Have.
I know I might have scared the living daylights out of you. I just want you to know that I have never asked you to fall in love with me. You chose to. It just happened for the both of us. What I want to tell you is that I wish you had given us a fair chance. I wish you had opened your eyes and seen what you want is right in front of you. I wish you had taken into consideration my feelings when you decided to go back to her. Why did you let me fall into this evil illusion if you had no intentions of running the whole show through? I was angry with you at first. It was instinctive. Then I realized it was my mistake to have fallen foolishly into something you were not ready for. Till this day, I ask you for nothing. I was and I am content with the simple fact that I am the one who brings that million dollar smile on your face. What I am not at peace with is that I have become this safety net for you and that is just about it. You came to me because you don’t want to fall or hurt yourself. Was it too much to think you will try and jump with me? I wish you had not gone back on your word or to her because look where that left you. I wish you had asked me before deciding for the both of us because your voice haunts me in my room. I wake up to an empty room and making breakfast for just myself just does not help me. The silent screams of disappointment and loneliness mock me. I will never be good enough for anyone no matter what I do.
I really don’t want you to think that is a rant letter. The Sine wave we have will not change darling.. The Best-friends to Lovers to Best friends one.
I really don’t want to be the change in your E=mc2 where c is constant. I love being your constant. I am not sure if we lost each other. What I know for sure is that I have lost a part of myself in these 2 weeks. The butterflies I used to feel when I was with you, I feel them dying inside of me.
I hope you read this the way I want you to read it. It’s only with love I write.
You will always find me when you need me. Even that has not changed but what really changed is me and I don’t think I will amuse you delightfully anymore.
Thank you, for showing me what heartbreak really feels like when you are an adult. It’s not about the sad songs you listen to. It’s really heartbreaking when I want to be there with you and I fight all my instincts, trying to stay strong even if it kills me inside. The scariest part? It took 10 days in total to be the wreck I swore I will never be. Again.
You will find me in the depths of your despair and the skip & hops in your happy walks.
I will be there. In what ways. I am yet to figure out.